She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
it glows. i had to have it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
