I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
