Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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