WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
