why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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