if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
