apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
