I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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