Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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