so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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