I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
