i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
