opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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