I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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