That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
