How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
