I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
