I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
