You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
