My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
