you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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