i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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