Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
