I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
