Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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