If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
