Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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