did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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