I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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