You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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