...so i touched it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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