I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
