went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize