Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
