dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
