history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize