we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize