At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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