I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Randomize
