I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
