this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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