i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You made out with two different species that night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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