i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize