So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
