: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
