i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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