I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
