I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
