Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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