I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize