the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
