Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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