is your mom at the bar?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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