After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
