whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
