Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
