You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize