my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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