R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
